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 A story i'm working on

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Axe
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PostSubject: A story i'm working on   Sat Apr 04, 2009 8:44 pm

What do you guys think?



The corridor was as black as pitch. Hjoldir peered around the corner, axe in hand and ready to behead the enemy in an instant. His line of sight was short, but his training as a warrior had given him the sight for subtle anomalies. Swiftly, he crouched around the corner, and with a hasty swipe of his axe, severed the arm of a monastery guard, oblivious to Hjoldir's existence. Hjoldir's reflexes were fast, as the guard had just uttered a gasp as Hjoldir's blade cleaved his head, negating the shriek of pain that was soon to follow. Still crouching, silently, Hjoldir moved to the nearby doorway – the doorway to the main temple. This is where the hammer was. This is where he was to execute the head monk. The hammer was theirs, it was not the place of the monastery to keep it. Kicking in the door with great speed and strength, Hjoldir rushed in to the temple to find the head monk, James, rising from his silent meditation.
“So, you have finally found out the location of Mjolnir?”

“It is not your place to possess this hammer! This relic of my people, you have taken in and stored it in your own temple, as if to mock us!”

“Your people are too dangerous to possess this weapon, and the King thought it best to place it in our possession. And as you can see, It took your people 4 long years to discover its location. He knew you wouldn't expect to find it in a common monastery.”

“If the King valued your lives, he would have not bestowed this upon you. Mercy is not a trait of our people, as your King should have discovered by now. Your life is forfeit.”

James' head hit the floor and the sound echoed throughout the halls as Hjoldir's axe sliced through his neck, making a clean, easy cut. Walking slowly, the axe dragging behind him, Hjoldir approached the altar where Mjolnir, the prized hammer of Thor laid. Dropping his axe on the ground into the pool of the monk's blood, Hjoldir grasped the hammer in both of his hands, feeling the power of Thor flow through him.




“Finally! After all these years, it is ours again!” exclaimed Erik, leader of the Norse back at the Norse encampment. “You have served us well yet again, Hjoldir. This hammer will ensure our conquest. King John will not stand a chance against Mjolnir.”

“There is one thing I don't understand though, sir. How did the King come to possess Mjolnir? I mean, this relic is the hammer of Thor himself! How did we allow ourselves to be rid of it?”

“The story is one that is often told in a child's seventh year of studies. You excelled, however, past your other students so you did not learn all of the fables and stories of our people. Partly my fault, I should have still made sure that you knew about this.” Erik squinted slightly, the sunlight glaring in his eyes. “Walk with me, Hjoldir.”

Twilight was upon the camp. The sun was low, and the skyline looked as if the flames of Hell itself engulfed it. The villagers went about their daily chores, tanning skin for clothing, preparing food, and tending to the children. On the far edge of the village, a group of young boys spared with wooden swords, learning how to fight like true Norse. They aspired to be heroes, warriors of the highest caliber. War was not at this village. They had never known a war on their home front. The surrounding kingdoms feared and respected the Norse, through knowledge of their savage brutality and quick conquests. No one would risk sparking their wrath, especially now when their nation flourished.


“See this, Hjoldir? This is what you fight for. These people, our people. We fight to make ourselves better, and to crush all opposition.”
Hjoldir and walked through the village, to the dock where Norse warships sat, waiting to be deployed to an unlucky neighboring country.
“You see Hjoldir, our people are a very honor driven people. We fight for our families and allies, and we hold our Gods above our own lives. We will fight to the death for them. This also means that we prize any keepsakes of our Gods. Mjolnir is no exception. In a shrine not too far from here is where Mjolnir laid for many years. At the start of this war, at least twenty passes ago, we made a pilgrimage to that very shrine in order to obtain Mjolnir. We knew that that hammer gave us the power of Thor. We traveled for 3 days and 4 nights when we finally reached Thor's shrine, which was defaced and pillaged, Mjolnir absent.”

“How can this be? How could Thor's shrine have been assaulted without our knowing?”

“We believe King John sent a small group to seize the hammer. If it would have been a full scale assault we surely would have known. But the real question is how did they know of Mjolnir's location? And that is something even we do not know. The theory is that they have taken some of our people captive and interrogated them to find it's location.”

“That would make sense. Why did it take us so long to find where they kept Mjolnir?”

“It took that long because we had to piece together the information ourselves from clues and information we found. As we slowly took their land, city by city, the information came with it.

“All in the past though. After this night, they will feel the full power and strength of the Norse people. They will understand that we are not a people to be trifled with!”

The sun was still holding on, but it was inevitably destroyed by the moon and it's night. The moonlight shown on the ocean through a perfectly clear night. The crisp, cool air bit at Hjoldir's flesh as he walked with Erik back to the village.

“I'm glad you are with us, Hjoldir. You are truly one of the finest warriors the Norse has ever produced. A gift from Thor himself, to be sure. Your brutality is matched only by your obedience and loyalty to the Norse. Do you remember all those years ago, when you were still a young pupil? You were my star student. You could defeat each of the other boys in the village with ease.”

“I simply gave myself to my training. The others didn't understand that they needed to serve Thor with their body, mind, and spirit. They didn't understand that there is no honor in loss, there is only honor in victory. I knew that if I sacrificed my body for Thor, I would earn the honor that each of us desires.”

“True, true. And that is why you are the warrior that will win us this great conquest. You will bring more glory to us than you could have imagined when you were a student.”

“Then let that glory come soon. I will crush the king with my own axe!”
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PostSubject: Re: A story i'm working on   Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:01 pm

Genre: Alternative History, Fantasy?
Interesting work. Action sequence was good, and short, for the amount of carnage Hjoldir wrought. Though I will be picky about how it sounded likes James head hit the flour as Hjoldir's Axe still carved through his neck. Another thing that needs to be mentioned is how he could possibly left Mjolnir. Norse myth has Mjolnir, or however you spell it, needing the belt of Thor, which I can't remember, to be weilded due to it's immense weight. I also believe Thor had gloves to wield it too, though I could be wrong there. Otherwise fine, though the names confused me at first due to the difference of Hjoldir and James, until Hjoldir was explained as Norse and James English.
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PostSubject: Re: A story i'm working on   Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:08 pm

Hey man.
Welcome To the forums.
Visit the INTRODUCE YOURSELF THREAD

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PostSubject: Re: A story i'm working on   Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:10 pm

Yeah it's mostly just fantasy. I promise there will be a lot more action sequences, but I wanted to get a good sense of setting and purpose out. I know a little about Norse mythology and I'm just trying to make it loosely based off of it. I'm using that as a base to create my own. Thank you for the criticism and complements, and welcome to the forum!
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PostSubject: Re: A story i'm working on   Mon Apr 06, 2009 12:28 am

good story i like norse myths and stories
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PostSubject: Re: A story i'm working on   Mon Apr 06, 2009 12:42 am

Thanks Link. It'll get better, I just needed to define the context and setting and stuff so that excerpt is kinda boring. I'll post some more as i revise it.
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