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PostSubject: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 5:39 am

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right were you left it!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer". The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"


Yo Momma's so fat, that when she stepped on the scale, it said:To Be Continued


Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I"


Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.


Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag


What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...


Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!"


Why are women like condoms?
They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick

John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy sayes "I like the rodeo position!"
"I havent heard of that..." sayes the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read,

Dear God,

I am an 85 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited three of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Molly

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Molly and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read.

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office...


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."


Three men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible."


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.



You Might Be A Redneck If
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.


There are 6 truths in the world:
1) you can not touch all your teeth with your tongue;
2) all idiots try after reading this;
3) nr.1 is really a lie;
4) now smile because you're an idiot;
5) you will send this message to another idiot;
6) still have a smile on your face...


A truck driver is driving down the road, when he sees two black guys with a broken-down bicycle. It's starting to rain so he pulls over to offer a ride.

"Yeah man, our bicycle is broken down, both of us we needs a ride."

Ok, says the truck driver, but I don't have room in the cab so you'll have to ride in the trailer.

I also have a whole load of bowling balls in the back, so you'll have to squeeze in.

A few miles later he gets pulled over by two troopers. One trooper is checking the tires, the brakes and when he opens the back doors, he yells out "emergency! seal off the area" the other trooper comes running to see what's the problem.

"He got a truck load of BLACK PEOPLE eggs, two of them hatched, and they've already stolen a bike!



Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2'?"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:02 am

Why is it that peta is more againt fur coats than leather jackets? Because its easier to harass rich old ladies than motorcycle gangs!

Male Rape Drug … Be Carefull!
The following is an important announcement:
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”
“Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking “beer,” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages

Good deed
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you’re in.”
So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, ‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
“Make ‘em all ugly again.
NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 8:48 am

What is worse than a stubbed toe?
The holocaust

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:37 pm

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right were you left it!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'VE BEEN LAUGHING FOR HOURS ALREADY


zomgwtfbbwroflmao
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:46 pm

ok, these are a series of jokes involving a person with no arms and no legs

What do you call a man with no arms no legs in the ocean?
Bob

...same question on a grill
Patty

...in the bushes
Russel

...on a wall
Art

...in front of a door
Matt

...in your mailbox
Bill

...water skiing
Skip

...under your car
Jack

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Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:46 pm

A pedophile and a little girl are walking through a forest at night. The little girl turned to the man and said, "Mister...it's really dark out here. I'm scared. I mean I'm really scared." He replied, "Shut the hell up, I have to walk back alone."

+rep for the excellent jokes.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:03 pm

Yo Mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo mama's so fat when she stands on the scale it says 2 be continued..."

Your Mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck

Yo Mama so fat, she has her own area code.

Yo mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus claimed her as the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm. One for each time zone.

Yo mama's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters.

Yo Mama so fat, she comes from both sides of the family

You so ugly, when you were born yo mama name you "shit happens"




A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No! Someone may see, a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"




A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."



One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies.
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"?


Little Johny asks his grandfather: "Hey, Pops, you still have sex with granny?"
"Yes, yes, only oral sex. She tells me '**** you' and I answer '**** you too!'"


I am a little girl and i have a little thing when i go 2 bed, i put my finger in. Now i'm much older my thing has lost its charm now it takes 5 fingers and half a f*ckin arm.


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."



Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ****ing fence wasn't electrified."




On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."



Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission...

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

You're the reason people should have to take IQ tests before breeding



What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time...". A black fairy tale starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this ****..."


What do tou call a white guy surrounded by 12 black guys?
Coach...


A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it."


'What happens if a lawyer takes Viagra?'
'He will be taller.'
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 08, 2009 10:30 pm

Here's a few sexist jokes. They are jokes, so please don't be offended


What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.


What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.


A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.


Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet


Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:27 am

Axeforhire66 wrote:
Here's a few sexist jokes. They are jokes, so please don't be offended


What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.


What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.


A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.


Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet


Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
FUNNY AS HELL ... +1
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:44 pm

made this a sticky.... it's always good to have sth to laugh at
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu Apr 09, 2009 1:54 pm

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Darling, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like i have United Utilities written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

Then the wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have Frigidaire written on my forehead? I don’t think so”

“Fine”, she says “Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.”

“I’m not a carpenter and i don’t want to fix steps” he says, “Does it look like i have Cubbys written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going out for a beer”.

So he goes to a bar and drinks for a couple of hours………………………….

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, he asks, how’d all this get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

The husband asks, “So what kind of cake did you bake?”

She replied, “Hellooooo.. does it look like I have Racheal Ray written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

----------------------
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with
the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

“And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

-----------------
These two trailer-trash women were talking to each other, and one asked “How is your husband doing?” and the other said “I think he is dead.”

So the first one asked “What do you mean. . . you think?”

The second replied “Well, the sex is the same but he hasn’t worked on the Harley in over a week!”
-----------------

A woman and her husband were riding their Harley Electra Glide on vacation, but had to interrupt their trip to go to the dentist.

“I want a tooth pulled and I don’t want to waste any time with any pain killers because we’re in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
---------------------
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him

what he is drinking.

“Magic Beer,” he says. She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can’t believe it:

“I bet you can’t do that again.”

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says,

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
--------------
A woman goes to her doctor’s office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately wants to know what is causing the spots.

The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy — there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

The woman stammers, “Why, Yes, but how did you know?”

“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.
------------------------
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
----------------------
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makin’a da love with’ ah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”

The Frenchman replies. “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”

The redneck says, “That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling!
------------------------
John, woke up after the annual Spring office party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

‘Louise,’ he moaned, ‘tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?’

‘Even worse,’ she said, her voice oozing scorn. ‘You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.’

‘He`s an asshole,’ John said. ‘Piss on him.’

‘You did,’ came the reply. ‘And he fired you.’

‘Well, screw him!’ said John.

‘I did. You`re back at work on Monday.’
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 10, 2009 12:50 am

A: Do you like fishsticks?

B: Why yes i do

A: Really, you like fishsticks in your mouth?

B: Yea

A: What are you a gay fish?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 10, 2009 5:22 am

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", sayes the wife ...2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand! Husband sayes "sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me..." So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92! Moral of the story: men who are ungrateful bastards should remember... fairies are fu*king female!



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod???"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"



A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."



TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"



Why do decent white folks shop at BLACK PEOPLE yard sales?
To get all their stuff back.


A little nigger put some flour on his face and when his mother came home he said, "Look Momma, I is a White boy!" She slapped him and sent him to his room. When his father came home he came running out and said, "Look Daddy, I is a White boy!" His father slapped him and sent him to his room. Finally the boy's grandmother came home and the boy thought for sure that she wouldn't be so mean, so he ran out and said, "Hey, I is a White boy!" When his grandmother also slapped his face, the boy shouted, "I has only been White for 15 minutes and I already hate you damn niggers!"


Why does Stevie Wonder always smile?"
"He doesn't know he's black".


In South Africa a BLACK MAN was walking with a parrot on his shoulder and on his way he meets with a white guy.
- He is so cute! Does he speak? Asks the white guy.
- I don’t know I just bought him! Says the parrot.


22 Things To Never Say To A Cop


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me... Good job!
5. Excuse me... is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer... that's terrific... the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



10 Things in Golf that sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh **** my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up... I've got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again



14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have... meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."




A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."



man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 10, 2009 10:35 pm

MarshallEMG wrote:
A: Do you like fishsticks?

B: Why yes i do

A: Really, you like fishsticks in your mouth?

B: Yea

A: What are you a gay fish?


Hahaha someone was watching South Park
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sat Apr 11, 2009 4:05 pm

i think i said a few of those things to the 5-0... but i have to try that village ppl one
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 1:40 pm

Axeforhire66 wrote:
MarshallEMG wrote:
A: Do you like fishsticks?

B: Why yes i do

A: Really, you like fishsticks in your mouth?

B: Yea

A: What are you a gay fish?


Hahaha someone was watching South Park

I'm a lyrical genius so I cant be gay, and I dont have gills...

Brilliant episode lol.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:16 pm

What is the difference between a cat and a dog, Dogs think: Humans are benevolent, they feed me, and take care of me, so they must be Gods; cats instead think: HUmans are benevolent, they feed me, and take care of me, so I must be God.



My house is so, so, so small that when the sun comes into my house, I have to leave.




A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor I've got a problem, I've got two personalities.' The doctor answers: 'Be quiet, sit down and let's talk all four of us.'



- What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- Seeing your mother-in-law driving your new car off the edge of a cliff.



- What happens in the African jungle from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. everyday, even on Sundays?
- Two hours.



- I can turn you into a Red Indian.
- How?
- See? I told you! How!
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:18 pm

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
i only know jokes in spanish so...
*la policia hiso una redada verda capturaron a un ciego pero al rato lo tubieron que liberar por que no tenia nada que ver
*que hase dracula en medio de la noche en medio de un cembradido¿....siembra el terror!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:54 pm

Jajajaj chekate esta.

¿Cuál es el colmo de los colmos?
Que un muerto se tire al agua, que un ciego lo vea caer, que un mudo le diga a un sordo, mira como nada aquel.


y este

Esta un hombre Cabalgando en el desierto y se encuentra una lampara magica..
-"TE CONSEDERE 3 DESEOS" dice el genio
El primer deseo -PIDE EL HOMBRe
"Quiero una casa de oro Puro."
FLASH! DESEO CONCEDIDO dice el genio
El segundo Deseo
"Quiero 7 mujeres que me satisfasan a toda hora"
FLASH! Deseo concedido
El tercero
Dice el hombre : KIERO KE MI PENE SEA DEL TAMAÑO DEL ANIMAL EN EL CUAL ESTOY MOONTADO CARAJO!
FLASH!
Concedido.
Al llegar a su casa...se ve el resplandeciente color del oro...cuando entra hay 7 hermosas mujeres desnudas esperando por el.
Entonces el man piensa.
"Uhmm a ver si se me cumplio el 3er deseo."
El hombre baja sus pantalones Y asombredo exclama
"HIJUEPUTA ME MONTE EN LA YEGUA!!!!!!"


lololl Bad joke
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:00 pm

A priest
A crabapple
And A dreammmmer
Walk into a bar
And the bartender says
"What happened to your
Floooooow charts?"
And the priest says
"I cant, handle this"

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:00 pm

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A man has two heads and a woman has four lips

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:02 pm

ImendiaBurzum wrote:
Jajajaj chekate esta.

¿Cuál es el colmo de los colmos?
Que un muerto se tire al agua, que un ciego lo vea caer, que un mudo le diga a un sordo, mira como nada aquel.


y este

Esta un hombre Cabalgando en el desierto y se encuentra una lampara magica..
-"TE CONSEDERE 3 DESEOS" dice el genio
El primer deseo -PIDE EL HOMBRe
"Quiero una casa de oro Puro."
FLASH! DESEO CONCEDIDO dice el genio
El segundo Deseo
"Quiero 7 mujeres que me satisfasan a toda hora"
FLASH! Deseo concedido
El tercero
Dice el hombre : KIERO KE MI PENE SEA DEL TAMAÑO DEL ANIMAL EN EL CUAL ESTOY MOONTADO CARAJO!
FLASH!
Concedido.
Al llegar a su casa...se ve el resplandeciente color del oro...cuando entra hay 7 hermosas mujeres desnudas esperando por el.
Entonces el man piensa.
"Uhmm a ver si se me cumplio el 3er deseo."
El hombre baja sus pantalones Y asombredo exclama
"HIJUEPUTA ME MONTE EN LA YEGUA!!!!!!"


lololl Bad joke


tu es un chiste, IB. No me digas!
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:13 am

ImendiaBurzum wrote:
Jajajaj chekate esta.

¿Cuál es el colmo de los colmos?
Que un muerto se tire al agua, que un ciego lo vea caer, que un mudo le diga a un sordo, mira como nada aquel.


y este

Esta un hombre Cabalgando en el desierto y se encuentra una lampara magica..
-"TE CONSEDERE 3 DESEOS" dice el genio
El primer deseo -PIDE EL HOMBRe
"Quiero una casa de oro Puro."
FLASH! DESEO CONCEDIDO dice el genio
El segundo Deseo
"Quiero 7 mujeres que me satisfasan a toda hora"
FLASH! Deseo concedido
El tercero
Dice el hombre : KIERO KE MI PENE SEA DEL TAMAÑO DEL ANIMAL EN EL CUAL ESTOY MOONTADO CARAJO!
FLASH!
Concedido.
Al llegar a su casa...se ve el resplandeciente color del oro...cuando entra hay 7 hermosas mujeres desnudas esperando por el.
Entonces el man piensa.
"Uhmm a ver si se me cumplio el 3er deseo."
El hombre baja sus pantalones Y asombredo exclama
"HIJUEPUTA ME MONTE EN LA YEGUA!!!!!!"


lololl Bad joke


jajajaja para k veas lo k es bueno

la bara es k hay un tipo en una isla verdad
tonses se le aparese un genio y le dise k le consede 2 deseos verdad
tones el man le dise primero dame una botella de guaro k cuando se termine se llene sola verdad
tonses el genio se la da zas y man se toma kor kor kor y se le llena y otra ves kor kor kor
y se le llena otra ves WTF!!!
tonses el genio le dise cual sera el otro deseo¿
le responde el man este dame otra botella igual
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 13, 2009 3:53 pm

lol....
yeah.,..lol
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:47 pm

translation anyone?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:03 pm

wow translator suck
to twig it is that there is a type in an island truth tonses aparese a genius and him to him dise that him consede 2 desires truth tones dise man him first dame a bottle of guaro that when it is finished fills to single truth tonses the genius occurs zas it and man takes kor kor kor and it fills to him and another one you see kor kor kor and another one fills you see WTF to him! tonses the genius him dise what sera the other desire another equal bottle responds to him man this dame

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Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 13, 2009 8:12 pm

!!!!!
u all copy and paste u jokes =P
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 15, 2009 12:42 pm

hateyou1st wrote:



What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time...". A black fairy tale starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this ****..."


'

Wild'n'out right?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 15, 2009 5:03 pm

brutality,thynameismetal wrote:
wow translator suck
to twig it is that there is a type in an island truth tonses aparese a genius and him to him dise that him consede 2 desires truth tones dise man him first dame a bottle of guaro that when it is finished fills to single truth tonses the genius occurs zas it and man takes kor kor kor and it fills to him and another one you see kor kor kor and another one fills you see WTF to him! tonses the genius him dise what sera the other desire another equal bottle responds to him man this dame


OMFG!!!
that translation was 100000 times funnier than the actual joke
LULZ
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:17 pm

Ib you are so right. that translation was funnier. ha ha ha
thanks for the joke lol

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Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
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Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:32 pm

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven.

The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"

The stupid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"

The stupid guy replies, "Howard."

The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"

The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."


TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.



Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:26 pm

Shin you win with the 2nd joke HAHAHH
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:31 pm

i thought the "going to work naked" was spectacular. +rep

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Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun Apr 19, 2009 7:38 am

ImendiaBurzum wrote:
Shin you win with the 2nd joke HAHAHH

I know I didn't get the whole joke but Howard was so random it made me laugh.

----
More jokes

Things You Never Use:
Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!"

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?"

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied.

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen.

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me."

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"


Do you know what the difference between yo momma and the titanic?

The titanic sunk, yo momma floats.

Yo momma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!



Really Good Deed
This guy dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."


Sisters of Mercy
A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"

Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."

Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.

He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.

He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."



Jonah and the Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Okay this isn't made to offend anyone's religion just for laughs:
A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies

Catholicism: If **** happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: **** won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to me?

Buddhism: When **** happens, is it really ****?

Islam: If **** happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This **** happened before.

Hare Krishna: **** happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:32 am

well hare krishna is pretty accurate. and being a catholic i admit that that is true too
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 3:45 pm

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

AND NOW--- for the dead and dying baby jokes. Very Happy If you don't like, then don't read. Razz

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

I think that's all I'll post for now. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 4:25 pm

whats the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon?
ones fun to hit with a hammer....and the other one is a watermelon


whats the difference between a dead baby and a dart board?
a dart board doesnt bleed?


how many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
depends on how hard you squeeze them



i love dead baby jokes

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Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 8:25 pm

Hahahaha Im glad Im not the only one that finds humor in those super edgy jokes

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 9:54 pm

Ok i got one.

What is poor....and likes to sing?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 9:57 pm

Ahahahaha Very Happy Ah because we can never have too many...

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A B*g Mac.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

A few of those aren't really all that funny, but the ones that are make up for it hahaha. Very Happy

And um...what's that IB?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri May 01, 2009 9:59 pm

TH3 FIDDLER ON TH ROOF!!!!

*TUN TUN TSS*

Lol really crappy joke zxD
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sat May 09, 2009 11:20 pm

http://www.noisebot.com/index.html

Funneh mhm.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun May 10, 2009 1:32 am

Oh **** Lina I just laughed my ass off at those jokes. My girlfriend is throughly concerned now XD
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun May 10, 2009 1:00 pm

rofl
Those were hilarious

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun May 10, 2009 1:03 pm

Baby jokes don't hit my humour spot..
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun May 10, 2009 3:56 pm

They do mine but they are soo awful we had a teacher that would tell them sometimes.

Remember whats worse than 10 babies in a trash can. 1 baby in 10 trash cans. Thats one he told us in class.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Sun May 10, 2009 11:05 pm

I was laughing at the t-shirt link lol

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon May 11, 2009 2:36 am

I once read about 120 dead baby jokes in a row.

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

LOL I know I'm going to hell for this one...
How do you make a baby boy cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick off on his teddy bear.

What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!
(I actually came up with the concept of skull ****ing a baby being delivered independently)

How do you fit a bunch of babies into a cup?
Put them in a blender.
How do you get them out?
Doritos.

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.
(Lol I like this one because it's kind of creepy. I always form images of things in my head when I hear, read, or think about them.)

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.


Anyways if you think these are bad then prepare yourself for the GRAMMAR JOKE. This is my version and I like it more than the common version on the web.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day and said, "A double negative can either be an affirmative statement, such as 'I don't want nothing,' or it can simply be an emphasis of a negative statement like, 'No, not really.' However a double positive is always an affirmation."
Then from the back of the room someone cleared their throat and said,
"Yeah, right."


Last edited by VacuousReality on Mon May 11, 2009 3:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon May 11, 2009 2:42 am

ha ha ha, not a linguistics person.....but that one was quite funny.
haha

and i probably read that smae 120 joke page of dead babies.....it was quite good

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Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
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Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon May 11, 2009 2:24 pm

Very sad pick-up lines that sadly exist...

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.

Be unique and different, just say yes.

I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? (This is the most disturbing so far)

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Do you work for UPS / ParcelForce? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus. (Kinda gay)

If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

I'msorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start. .

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

Is your name Gillette? ...coz you're the best a man can get. (Lmao)

You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   

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JOKES
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