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 JOKES

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Mon May 11, 2009 2:57 pm

sadly these are not the worst pick up lines
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:55 am

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. **** Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying ****.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home **** faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:55 am

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this **** in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:57 am

Redneck Jokes


You are a redneck if...

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:57 am

You know your brother in law is a redneck when you go to his house to visit and he pulls his riding lawnmower out from behind the house and he shows you the added features he has put on it.

Am/Fm cassette radio
A bucket seat that he took out of the wrecked truck in the corn field.
The cup holder he installed.(To hold his beer can)
The spot light, to look for deer while mowing at night.
And finally, the alarm system he took off his truck because he is afraid that someone might steal it.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:57 am

In the back woods of Kentucky, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:58 am

10 Things You'll Never Hear At A Nascar Race

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."
"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"
"Oh my, this is a splendid Merlot!"
"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"
"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."
"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."
"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:58 am

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 12:58 am

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 1:00 am

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape redneck fun wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.

Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.

You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 1:01 am

Blonde Jokes


A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the funny blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


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There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"


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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.


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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 1:02 am

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"


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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"


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What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...


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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.


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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.


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There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"


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A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence.'"
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 1:02 am

Bumper Sticker Jokes


Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full -- Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me

Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit

Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.

Boldly Going Nowhere

How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I don't question your existence - GOD

Next time you think you're perfect...
...try walking on water

Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Come the rapture can I have your car?

It's okay, I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

If God didn't want us to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?

Eve was framed.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Tue May 12, 2009 1:06 am

Drunk Jokes


A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu May 14, 2009 1:10 am

In 2005, there were 3,482 unintentional Hydrogen Dioxide related deaths in the United States, an average of nine people per day.

Hydrogen Dioxide is killing our children. Hydrogen Dioxide is the second-leading cause of death among children under the age of 15.

Children under five and adolescents between the ages of 15-24 have the highest hydrogen dioxide related death rates.

An estimated 5,000 children ages 14 and under are hospitalized due to Hydrogen Dioxide related incidents each year; 15 percent die in the hospital and as many as 20 percent suffer severe, permanent neurological disability.

The U.S. Government has known about the dangers of hydrogen dioxide for many years. However lawmakers refuse to address this desperate situation. Hydrogen Dioxide needs to be outlawed now.

Hydrogen Dioxide can be found in many food, and beverage products Americans consume on a daily basis. And as the above statistics indicate hydrogen dioxide can be deadly.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu May 14, 2009 1:18 am

Nice one Lina.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu May 14, 2009 3:17 am

yeah, the water joke. quite witty. i always liked that one

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Thu May 14, 2009 9:55 am

I love the "It's killing our children." part hahaha.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Jul 31, 2009 2:53 pm

You know you've been in Finland too long when...


1. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage

2. As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue is titled "Svinhufvud" you no longer read it as "Swinehead"… instead you think "What a good Swedish name!"

3. When a stranger on the street smiles at you:
a. you assume he's drunk
b. he is insane
c. he's an American

4. You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry

5. A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer, "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.

6. You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put it in your wallet

7. You see a student take a front row seat and wonder "Who does he think he is!!??"

8. Silence is fun

9. The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is
a. Duty free vodka
b. Duty free beer
c. To party hard….no need to get off the boat in Stockholm, just turn around and do it again on the way back to Finland

10. Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot

11. You pass a grocery store and think "Wow, I had better go in an buy something!"

12. Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to "eat medicine", "open the television", "close the lights" ´, and tell someone "you needen't to!"
Expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language.

13. You associate pea soup with Thursdays

14. Your idea of unforgivable behaviour now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars in sight

15. Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights

16. Your bad mood becomes your good mood

17. Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead

18. "No comment" becomes a conversation strategy

19. You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?"

20. The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right

21. Your old habit of being "Fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time

22. Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay

23. You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvi's broadcast of the hockey game

24. You refuse to wear a hat, even in –30 degree weather

25. You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
a. they are drunk
b. they are Swedish-speaking
c. they are American
d. all of the above

26. You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the butter, cream and sugar

27. You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways

28. You eat herring in 105 ways

29. You no longer look at sports wear as casual wear, but recognize them as semi-formal wear

30. You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example :MERI…….LITTO OY

31. You have undergone a transformation
a. You accept mustamakkara (Black-blood sausage) as food
b. You accept alcohol as food
c. You accept

32. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense

33. You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism

34. You no longer see a problem in wearing white socks with loafers

35. You no longer correct people who say MAC Donald's

36. You just love Jaffa

37. You've come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging

38. You know that "religious holiday" means, "let's get pissed."

39. You enjoy salmiakki

40. You know that "men's public bathroom" is another phrase for sidewalk

41. You know that more than three channels means cable

42. You get all Swedish jokes

43. When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning

44. You've become lactose intolerant

45. You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
Also, you accept -30 outside as a reasonable temperature, but anythuing under 22 indoors is unreasonable...

46. You give the air hostess your undivided attention when she demonstrates how to fasten, tighten and unbuckle your seatbelt. You eye the person sitting next to you suspiciously when they don't do the same.

47. You don't waste alcohol. When you spill your drink on the desk and actually contemplate slurping it up anyway

48. You stop asking "how are you" when you meet people. It's just plain "hi" or "mmph" or *nod*. Communicating becomes less and less important...

49. It doesn't matter what nationality the other person is, they'll understand finnish as long as you talk really loud. If this doesn't help, just talk very slow (but still very, very loud).

50. Upon hearing finnish when abroad, you immediately duck for cover and hope they go away. Whatever you do, you in NO WAY, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE utter a single finnish word (By god, they might want to come and talk to you, as if that was completely acceptable finnish behaviour when not in Finland!)

51. You start to believe that pulla is a treat.

52. When jumping into a lake to sober up and then carry on drinking seems like sound advice!

53. You sincerely believe that Fazerin sininen is the best chocolate in the world.

54. You find it normal to drink milk with your meals.

55. You eat dinner at 6 PM and understand the concept of iltapala.

56. You think it’s normal to pay 50% income taxes.

57. You understand why people talk about church boats (kirkkovene) all the time.

58. You answer the phone by saying your name rather than 'hello'.

59. You understand the question ‘What’s your gallery nick?’
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:06 pm

Oh and it goes on..


You find it normal to have to go to a special, government-owned store that's only open on daytime to buy a bottle of wine, or other alcoholic beverages.

Making fun of Sweden is a national institution. (ofc!)

You constantly try to avoid meeting your neighbors in the stairwell.

You thought wall to wall carpets was a concept of the past or the ferries to Finland/Estonia/Germany. Then you went abroad and realized you were wrong.

You would rather stand up on the bus for an hour than bother the person whose handbag is currently occupying the last available seat. (I do this alot)

You happily engage in a conversation about the weather.

You always go "That's not REAL snow" whenever it snows in countries that usually don't get snow.

You find it adorable when people from other countries get excited about a few millimetres of snow that only stays on the ground for a few hours.

You tell everyone who listens that Santa Claus comes from Finland and not from the North Pole. (Always)

You have seen the real Santa Claus, been to his village in Lapland and seen his elves and his reindeer. He’s also come to your house on Christmas Eve to deliver the presents and you’ve sung “Joulupukki, joulupukki…” to him.

You insist on that Finnish chocolate is the best chocolate in the world, despite of what the Belgians and the Swiss might say.

You constantly have to point out that not EVERYONE in Finland is blond, in fact you add that most people are not.

You only consider hair on the verge of being "white", blond. Everything else is just very bright brown hair.

You don't really care about winning as long as the Finnish beat the Swedish, no matter what the game/contest is. (True)

You consider taking a cruise ship to Tallinn a valid excuse to get completely wasted and act like an utter ass as soon as the ship leaves port. (definetely)

You think it's perfectly normal to pay over 50 % of your income in taxes.

You have been or know someone who has been an exchange student. (Yep)

People ask you if you have polar bears on the streets and you try to spread the myth further by stating it's true. (Yep)
You go to the downtown on a Sunday and don't expect to meet a single soul during a 30 minute walk. (actually 45)

You know almost every other country in the world as well as most capital cities, or have at least studied this for a geography test. (Only Europe and Asia)

Every time you see a Finnish brand/actor/company/phone, you feel compelled to point that out to your friends (with badly hidden pride in your voice).(Yeah...)

You have to tell people to take of their bloody shoes when they come into your house. (Always)

You can’t believe that you have to pay for your disgusting school lunch.

People say your name in fifty different ways, but no one can get it right

You think going to the pub for a drink is a waste of time if you're not going to get drunk (true)

You brag about the free healthcare and the free school system to every non-Finn that you have a political conversation with. (Which is why you should never talk about politics with me)

You eat pancakes with jam, not lemon and sugar like the English. (yeah)

You celebrate Easter and Christmas a day before most other countries (yeah)

You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day. (Very bad)

At cafés, you find it completely normal walking all the way to the counter to order and then carrying it yourself to the table rather than being waitered. (yeah)

You think it’s completely normal to drink milk with your meals. (yeah)

:rendeer:
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