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 The Call of the Bloodflower

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Axe
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PostSubject: The Call of the Bloodflower   Sun May 03, 2009 11:42 pm

The pale sunlight gleamed off the of warhammer's head, as Razer stood among the ranks of the common troops. The inlaid silver and gold on the hammer, the image of a legendary warrior, was what set this weapon apart from the other weapons in the crowd. Razer was not a common soldier. One look at his equally exquisite helm told the tale. Razer was at the head of the ranks, right below the King himself, who was set at a god-like status by the people of the Fjaldir Kingdom.
Razer stood at the front of the batallion, on a beautiful white stead; matching Razer's extravagant clothing with it's carefully crafted, ornate armor of pure gold. One would think that the spectacular beauty would attract unwanted attention on the battlefield, but it did not matter to Razer. Many had fallen to his blade, and many more would in the coming years. Opposition will know who they faced.
Razer halted his men. It was time to bed down for the night, on the unforgiving land. War awaited them the following day, and Razer wanted them to fight with the greatest valor and brutality that they could give. As tents were laid, Razer rode on horseback about the makeshift encampment, overseeing his men.
The frigid day's sky was a perfect blend of blue and red. The roaring, violent volcano in the distance was an odd spectacle in the barren, frozen tundra. The hellfire roaring within lit up the sky in a bright mixture of orange and blood red, accented by the billowing plume of charcoal smoke rising from the interior. The volcano towered above the frozen prairie, a place where you could see for miles and miles without seeing a thing, other than the giant volcano. This volcano was the source of all troubles in the land, but it was also the source of a wonderful plant; the Bloodflower. This was a plant that was capable of healing any wound, instantanously, and this volcano was the only place where the Bloodflower could be found. The uses of the Bloodflower are infinate, so it is a natural source of conflict. The Imperials, the dominant kingdom in the land, controlled the land surrounding the volcano, and prevented anyone other than the King's personal servants to access the volcano and the surrounding lands.
The King was crooked. Money of course, or at least the lust for it, controlled his every action. The King had massive taxes in place, preventing commoners from obtaining the Bloodflower's healing qualities, and making him richer. This also prevented people from different kingdoms from having access to the Bloodflower. This was the cause of the massive war which raged on between the Fjaldirs and the Imperials. This was the reason blood had been shed for the past two decades. And, this was the reason that Razer was launching a full-scale assault on Imperial territory.




I got the idea for this about a week or so ago, so tell me what you guys think. I think this is turning out a lot better than my old one, personally. All comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated
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EPhear
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Mon May 04, 2009 12:34 am

Well, The beginning set up is good, but I find it hard to envision this cohesively as it is. A longer portion of the story would be for the best so I could help you along, but so far, so good. Please help clarify your position as first person or so on. I felt like you were 3rd person limited, and the last paragraph seemed an abrupt transition in how Razer was described to the portion about the King. That is all for now.
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Mon May 04, 2009 5:02 pm

Yeah, the last portion is kind of sketchy imo
Sometimes I have trouble making good transitions between topics. While I began writing, I felt the whole time that I was taking far too much time in between real actions to describe what was going on. I want to make it third person omni, but I guess it doesn't show too well so far. I'm going to be taking my time a lot more in this story, so hopefully I can straighten out any rough edges
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Mon May 04, 2009 11:50 pm

Personally Axe it seems like you are better suited to third person limited. But that is my opinion of the matter. You do seem to jump around alot, time frame wise, you can't go from night to day in a description without some suitable transition, or placing that line before the others. Expanding your writing to allow room for flow would be suitable, as it seems like you jammed this one in with plot rather then your other two which flowed due to a longer period of writing. Or I could be dead wrong about that.
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Tue May 05, 2009 12:02 am

That's definitely something I'm working on. Sometimes it seems like there is too much detail I want to reveal at one particular time, whereas at other parts there isn't as much detail and the pacing speeds up and slows down accordingly. I also want to work on transitions. I'm going to edit the beginning and get it the a point where I am pleased with it before I continue, so I know how I need to write it. Thanks so much for the input though
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Tue May 05, 2009 5:45 pm

The pale sunlight gleamed off the of warhammer's head, as Razer stood among the ranks of the common troops. The inlaid silver and gold on the hammer, the image of a legendary warrior, was what set this weapon apart from the other weapons in the crowd. Razer was not a common soldier. One look at his equally exquisite helm told the tale. Razer was at the head of the ranks, right below the King himself, who was set at a god-like status by the people of the Fjaldir Kingdom.
Razer stood at the front of the batallion, on a beautiful white stead; matching Razer's extravagant clothing with it's carefully crafted, ornate armor of pure gold. One would think that the spectacular beauty would attract unwanted attention on the battlefield, but it did not matter to Razer. Many had fallen to his blade, and many more would in the coming years. Opposition will know who they faced.
What does this guy look like? Because right now I am picturing Brad Pitt as Achilles
Razer halted his men. It was time to bed down for the night, on the unforgiving land. War awaited them the following day, and Razer wanted them to fight with the greatest valor and brutality that they could give. As tents were laid, Razer rode on horseback about the makeshift encampment, overseeing his men.
Who are they fighting? Why are they fighting? Mention that Razer is some sort of captain, and why is he the captain? So far so good.
The frigid day's sky was a perfect blend of blue and red. The roaring, violent volcano in the distance was an odd spectacle in the barren, frozen tundra. The hellfire roaring within lit up the sky in a bright mixture of orange and blood red, accented by the billowing plume of charcoal smoke rising from the interior. The volcano towered above the frozen prairie, a place where you could see for miles and miles without seeing a thing, other than the giant volcano. This volcano was the source of all troubles in the land, but it was also the source of a wonderful plant; the Bloodflower. This was a plant that was capable of healing any wound, instantanously, and this volcano was the only place where the Bloodflower could be found. The uses of the Bloodflower are infinate, so it is a natural source of conflict. The Imperials, the dominant kingdom in the land, controlled the land surrounding the volcano, and prevented anyone other than the King's personal servants to access the volcano and the surrounding lands.
Find an alternative word to volcano. The content itself and the ideas are very well. But you should try not to repeat the same noun that many times.
The King was crooked.Make this one sentence Money of course, or at least the lust for it, controlled his every action. The King had massive taxes in place, preventing commoners from obtaining the Bloodflower's healing qualities, and making him richer. This also prevented people from different kingdoms from having access to the Bloodflower. This was the cause of the massive war which raged on between the Fjaldirs and the Imperials. This was the reason blood had been shed for the past two decades. And, this was the reason that Razer was launching a full-scale assault on Imperial territory.

Awesome story. The ideas are very likeable. I look forward to more. Only minor grammar errors are present and shy of some details appealing to the senses. But overall very well done

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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Tue May 05, 2009 5:54 pm

breakyoudown wrote:
The pale sunlight gleamed off the of warhammer's head, as Razer stood among the ranks of the common troops. The inlaid silver and gold on the hammer, the image of a legendary warrior, was what set this weapon apart from the other weapons in the crowd. Razer was not a common soldier. One look at his equally exquisite helm told the tale. Razer was at the head of the ranks, right below the King himself, who was set at a god-like status by the people of the Fjaldir Kingdom.
Razer stood at the front of the batallion, on a beautiful white stead; matching Razer's extravagant clothing with it's carefully crafted, ornate armor of pure gold. One would think that the spectacular beauty would attract unwanted attention on the battlefield, but it did not matter to Razer. Many had fallen to his blade, and many more would in the coming years. Opposition will know who they faced.
What does this guy look like? Because right now I am picturing Brad Pitt as Achilles
Razer halted his men. It was time to bed down for the night, on the unforgiving land. War awaited them the following day, and Razer wanted them to fight with the greatest valor and brutality that they could give. As tents were laid, Razer rode on horseback about the makeshift encampment, overseeing his men.
Who are they fighting? Why are they fighting? Mention that Razer is some sort of captain, and why is he the captain? So far so good.
The frigid day's sky was a perfect blend of blue and red. The roaring, violent volcano in the distance was an odd spectacle in the barren, frozen tundra. The hellfire roaring within lit up the sky in a bright mixture of orange and blood red, accented by the billowing plume of charcoal smoke rising from the interior. The volcano towered above the frozen prairie, a place where you could see for miles and miles without seeing a thing, other than the giant volcano. This volcano was the source of all troubles in the land, but it was also the source of a wonderful plant; the Bloodflower. This was a plant that was capable of healing any wound, instantanously, and this volcano was the only place where the Bloodflower could be found. The uses of the Bloodflower are infinate, so it is a natural source of conflict. The Imperials, the dominant kingdom in the land, controlled the land surrounding the volcano, and prevented anyone other than the King's personal servants to access the volcano and the surrounding lands.
Find an alternative word to volcano. The content itself and the ideas are very well. But you should try not to repeat the same noun that many times.
The King was crooked.Make this one sentence Money of course, or at least the lust for it, controlled his every action. The King had massive taxes in place, preventing commoners from obtaining the Bloodflower's healing qualities, and making him richer. This also prevented people from different kingdoms from having access to the Bloodflower. This was the cause of the massive war which raged on between the Fjaldirs and the Imperials. This was the reason blood had been shed for the past two decades. And, this was the reason that Razer was launching a full-scale assault on Imperial territory.

Awesome story. The ideas are very likeable. I look forward to more. Only minor grammar errors are present and shy of some details appealing to the senses. But overall very well done

Thanks! Yeah, I'm definitely trying to get a feel for this story. A part of me wants to make it suspenseful, as well as action packed, but I'm trying to figure how to do both at once. And I'm thinking I will do the introductory paragraphs to reveal a bit more information. lol I also didn't notice that I used to word volcano that many times, that's a problem. I guess I need to crack out the old dictionary for some help. That's a word that I don't know to many synonyms for, other than "mountain" and sh!t like that. I am also not pleased at all with the last paragraph, and the second paragraph doesn't feel quite right in a few spots. Thanks for the criticism though, I will post my revised and updated version here in a day or two
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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Tue May 05, 2009 6:02 pm

Well you can even say it or
the King's personal servants to gain access to the sacred lands.
Improv lol

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PostSubject: Re: The Call of the Bloodflower   Tue May 05, 2009 6:21 pm

breakyoudown wrote:
Well you can even say it or
the King's personal servants to gain access to the sacred lands.
Improv lol

Hahaha I'm going to try. I even hate my use of the word "servant". That indicates that they might not be trustworthy enough. idk.

Maybe I'll use something like "The kings advisors...."
Something else....


I'm glad you think it's going along decently though, you, Link, and EP are like ten times the writer I am. I like your input on my bullsh!t
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