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 Dog rules

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Pisager
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PostSubject: Dog rules   Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:37 am

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. If that fails, and they are still cowering on the floor, try mounting them.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. Especially their crotch.It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your crotch-sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going For Walks:
Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Also when on a leash, walk around your human in a circle instead of forward. They enjoy tripping over the leash.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed and have forgotten to crate you.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.

Eating:

Never eat your food over the dog bowl. Always take a mouth full, then walk halfway across the room, drop it all on the floor (preferibly carpet if availible), then eat your food. Repete until all the food is gone from the dish. If there is no puddle of water around the water dish your drinking wrong.


Going out side:

Humans have an innate need to be door men. A good dog will stick its nose on the glass screen door every quarter hour to facilitate this basic human need.

Ride the rug:

When your ass itches, it's time to ride the rug! Sit your nasty ass down on the carpet and just go to town scootin across the floor. Don't worry what your human will think. They understand that this is the dog version of q-tip ear sex.
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PostSubject: Re: Dog rules   Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:45 am

Dude that is funner than hell .. I have two big ass boxers . And they dont bark much , Unless someone or something is in my yard ( west virginia here .. Bears/deer/fox/coons/ect) But the licking thing , and the door thing .. Do you know how hard it is to move a 120 lbs or a 160lbs dog away from the door ? You also left out the part about the 10 lbs od shit a day that they love to dot your yard with . hell my yard looks like a mine feald before i shovle it up .. BTW +REP
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PostSubject: Re: Dog rules   Thu Jan 14, 2010 3:49 am

haha, thanks Hate. Btw, excpt for that one texan thing I can't honsestly say I've come up with these myself.
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PostSubject: Re: Dog rules   Thu Jan 14, 2010 4:01 am

Hell yeah ! Great shit ..
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