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 Slayer ( This is good )

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PostSubject: Slayer ( This is good )   Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:50 pm

A buddy sent this to me ..

“Who fucking cares if I wrote Raining Blood after my first period?”
~ Kerry King

Slayer (pronounciation "FUCKIN' SLAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEEER!!!!"), aka The General Cornwallis Variety Band are the most successful, and greatest Christian anti-satan hardcore metal band/religion in the world and Nazi terrorist organisation ever in the heavy metal world, lead by singer/basistist/international terrorist Tom Araya with Pepsi sponsor/Spongebob Squarepants fan/casual guitarist Kerry King Nickname "Kerry the Kid". The band, who have been established for 26 years, attribute their longetivity to "producing music that appeals to Nazi youth, and also throwing in a drinking song or two!". They are also known for dabbling in pop-punk.

They were originally named after "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". With over 5 million album sales worldwide, although not a single person has ever admitted to owning a Slayer album, let alone buying one. They have become the subject of cult films, party jokes and a number of porno sayings and catchphrases such as 'Clankity Clank Clank bitch' and 'Sugartits' made famous during a 1991 concert in Palm Springs, Missouri.

Kerry King was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'Wag the Dog' technique. Whereas those before and after him became respected guitarists by practicing and getting better, King took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a awesome player' approach. King is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while baking a cake.

It is widely known that many trve metalheads want to take over the world and establish a military dictatorship where everyone would be forced to listen to Slayer; otherwise, they would be executed using a gas chamber.

A typical Slayer fan, likes long walks on the beach, ponies and unicorns, large, grassy, breazy meadows, beautiful wild flowers, and Adolf Hitler. They won't be caught dead without their favourite cuddly toy.

Etymology

The name Slayer is believed to stand for Slimy layer, with which the band members get covered at their live concerts, mostly during their best disco track Raining Blood and their famous love song Angel of Death. Another possible origin is that in their early years they used to slay the goats of the those who did not appreciate their music, but they left the practice because their largest group of fans PETA was disappointed by the act and asked them to slay Republicans instead.

History

Slayer came about after Jeff Hanneman realized that he was too much of a pussy to actually kill the Jews that lived next door to his mother. He than picked up a garden gnome and tried to glue guitar strings to it, when his mother (having pity on his autism) bought him an ESP M-II. Luckily, Hanneman had the type of autism that made you suck at life, but good at one thing, and this one thing happened to be guitar.

Then, one day as Jeff was playing in the park with little kids, he was then picked on by Kerry King. Jeff than realized that Kerry could play guitar, so Jeff was really nice to him for the next two decades.

One day, when Kerry and Jeff were at a strip club they met up with the head pimp, Tom Araya. Jeff immediately asked Tom to join the band because he said "that Tom had an awesome last name, and he just seemed to be a Hitler-worshiping Nazi guy." By some strange coincidence, Tom could play bass fairly well, as well as scream at the top of his lungs (he learned this from his sister, whom was very hot and would often invite people over to the house to have sex with). Tom invited Dave Lombardo, his Hispanic fourth cousin, twice removed, (and he also happened to be Tom's first, second and third cousin and is removed on each one twice, because the family is ashamed of such inbreeding), to play drums. Dave happened to be the only one with any real talent on his instrument (and even bragged about this by loudly proclaiming at practice, "You guys are fucking retarded!!!'"), and left shortly after Reign in Blood because "Hanneman was just getting annoying hogging the Nintendo all the time, and Kerry kept waking us up at night, just daring us to shave his hair off. Tom was an okay guy, it's just that sometimes he'd start shouting right in the middle of normal conversations like he was onstage or something. I just had to get away." But Lombardo eventually returned after he found out what a goldmine that Slayer would become.


Discography

Show No Mercy (1983)
In 1983, Slayer recorded their debut album "Show No Mercy" which received no success at all. This made Kerry King very angry but he managed to hold in the anger due to his love of peace and kindness. Jeff Hanneman threatened to blow himself up if people didn't start to buying the album. Nobody cared, so he blew himself up. Kerry King's close connection with God however worked and God agreed to bring Hanneman back to life.

Hell Awaits (1985)
In 1985, the movie The Wizard Of Oz deeply influenced Tom Araya to write a new album. The new album was a success. One person had bought the album and the guys managed to earn $4 each. Kerry King however became enraged when he tried to buy a hooker with $4 and she wanted $5. Kerry managed to suppress his rage once again. Dave Lombardo went out and bought new drums with his $4. Nobody quite knows how he achieved this but it's suspected Jackie Chan was involved.


Reign in Blood (1986)
In 1986, Kerry King lost his favorite action figure and got angry once again. He couldn't suppress his anger any longer and thus had a giant period that never ended. The result was "Reign in Blood" the least selling-album of all time. It's often believed that this never ending period has been the cause behind Slayer's success. The guys then toured the world to promote "Reign in Blood" which appealed mostly to girls on their period, claiming that "It made them feel fresh".

Kerry tried a new experimental way of playing guitar solos on this album, in which he simply pulled down his pants and pissed in to the microphone, creating the inaudible sound during solos on tracks such as "Necrophobic" and "Raining Blood".


South of Heaven (1988)
In 1988, Dave Lombardo wrote an album, but the others just kinda laughed at him. They realized though that they needed a new album out, so Hanneman wrote the summer hit "South of Heaven". Songs from the album were played all summer long and Slayer was then becoming so popular they were compared to the likes of the Beatles and Celine Dion. Bands such as Bon Jovi and The Rolling Stones were queuing up to open for Slayer.


Seasons in the Abyss (1991)
In 1991, Slayer wrote the highly Pro-Christian album "Seasons in the Abyss" and received immediate success even from Jewish people. This album was so good that it even made Satan a Christian again. Much to God's relief, evil was gone from the world thanks to Slayer, and he never had to answer a prayer again.


Divine Intervention (1994)
In 1994, Slayer were receiving so much praise from God that they were getting pissed off. Especially Kerry King whose period was so out of control and he just wanted to be left alone. Dave Lombardo had left the band since "Tom wouldn't stop hoggin' the Super Nintendo on the tour bus", so the band's new drummer, Paul Bostaph, wrote this album because at this point nobody cared how it sounded, people just bought it anyway. Rumors have it, that Kerry King was too busy crying to record for the album. Yngwie Malmsteen was chosen to replace him becuase they're both fat and viking like. This would explain why the guitar was so much GEIGHER on this album than any other. The album was written as a message to God to leave them alone. He did not get the message.


Undisputed Attitude (1996)
In 1996, Slayer decided to cover some hardcore punk tunes. This was a risky move and it failed as Slayer became so unpopular even Metallica were selling more albums than them. That was the first time in history that Metallica out-sold Slayer. The band is said to have cried for two years straight causing many floods. As a result, Slayer won the "Most Sensitive Band" award.


Diabolus In Musica (1998)
In 1998, Slayer, desperate to gain back their popularity, wrote the not so famous album "Diabolus In Musica". The album was a minor success but was the first step needed to gain back their popularity. Fans (women on their period) began to return to Slayer. Slayer, who had been abandoned by God for making one bad album, were beginning to think God wasn't that great at this point and even publicly renounced their fate. This caused NO controversy because nobody cared enought to listen to them.


God Hates Us All (2001)
At this point, God finally got the message, and was reportedly so pissed with Slayer that he modified Kerry King's period to include centipedes and leeches (this was reportedly influenced by Cannibal Corpse, who God had just signed up as his groupies/fuck buddies/organ grinders/harmonica techs). Slayer realized that the only reason they had been successful was because God had caused all their albums to have a backing track that went "Huffing kitties is fun, huffing kitties is fun". To release their teenage angst, caused by the other members mistaking Kerry's estrogen pills for LSD, they wrote the Boney M influenced tape - "God Hates Us All". This brought back all of Slayer's female fan following (who had mysteriously managed to synchronize their periods with Kerry). It included such fan favorites like "Bloodline" (about Kerry's period), "Deviance" (about Araya's brief period of sexual reorientation) and "Here Comes the Pain" (about Kerry's rectal cramps). The song "Disciple" was even nominated for a Grammy but lost out to the Stool song, "Schism (in Your Butt Crack)".


Christ Illusion (2006)
By this time, God was finally at his wits end with Jesus' orgies. To bring him back in line, God promised Hannemen sainthood if he wrote an album bashing Jesus. Because all of Slayer's money had been spent on Sanitary pads, it was recorded on an answering machine. The band members played their instruments in their trailer and placed a call to Lombardo's home number. The album cover is a picture that mysteriously appeared on a used pad of King's and was immediately placed by the church in the same class as the Shroud of Turin. The Pope went on to say, "So Jesus exists and there nothing you can do about it. Suck it, Mohammad". This disc contained the civil rights anthem "Black Serenade" (bashing the notion of "Black Jesus") and the drinking song "Flesh Storm" (about the time King accidentally expelled his intestines during a particularly bad period). The band received a Grammy for "Eyes of the Insane" (about the guy in Prison Break who Araya likes to fantasize about).


World Painted Blood (2009)
The cover of this album is made up of a snapshot of Kerry King's sanitary pads. Dave Lombardo touched new heights of speed while double bassing (reportedly achieved by castrating him to reduce friction "down there"). Till date, only Pete Sandoval of Morbid Angel/Terrorizer has played faster (see pretty much anything he plays). The album was eagerly awaited, with some fans even fasting until the album was released.


Photographer assault

Dave, Kerry, and a gay, homeless, Asian man were all charged with assault on a photographer. The photographer started taking photo's of them while Dave was still playing his drum kit. Kerry then hit the photographer with a Marshall amp and shouted, "FUCKIN' DIE!!!!!!" Then Lombardo stamped on the camera and invited the homeless man (Callum Chow Gledzil) to film the incident and put it on Youtube. The video has since been watched 17,631,827,631,457,845,684,684,568,456,882,767,153,804,783,462 times and is only out-watched by...well, nothing.

Kerry's Bracelet

Kerry King's spiked armband has grown so large over the years, the U.S. Postal Service has given it an area code, and FAA regulations mandate that it must be transported separately in a cargo plane between gigs.

Members

Kerry King - vroom guitar, drum programming, baldness (1981-present)
Jeff Hanneman - sknng guitar, Aryanisms (1981-present)
Tom Araya - shouting, double bass, friendly handshakes (1981-present)
Dave Lombardo - double drums, pots and pans, bong hits (1981-1986, 1987-1991, 2002-present)

Former Members
Paul Bostaph - quadruple drums, plates and forks (1992-1996, 1997-2001)

See Also

Michael Bolton, King of all that is Death Metal
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:25 pm

Slayer "teenage angst." LOL. This is ridiculous!
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:12 pm

Told you it was balls out funny ...
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Mon Feb 22, 2010 12:59 am

lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Mon Feb 22, 2010 1:05 am

breakyoudown wrote:
lol!
Thats great shit .. lol Slayer (pronounciation "FUCKIN' SLAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEEER!!!!"),
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Mon Feb 22, 2010 2:06 am

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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Mon Feb 22, 2010 3:04 pm

LOL Brilliant
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:58 pm

Kerry King - Vroom guitar, drum programming, baldness. lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Slayer ( This is good )   Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:34 pm

The cover of this album is made up of a snapshot of Kerry King's sanitary pads
ROFL.
hahaha
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