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 I wrote some stand up comedy

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breakyoudown
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PostSubject: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 6:08 am

Its always been a minor dream of mine to be a stand up comedian, although I know I would probably eventually steal jokes and or not want to travel everywhere or be paranoid that I'm not funny enough. Anyway, I wrote this for fun. Never actually said any of it out loud, but hey, maybe you guys will have fun reading it. If you have half as much fun as I did writing it at 5am I'll be happy


Man what is the difference between being hyper and being drunk? When you’re a little kid, you can’t wait to eat a bunch of candy that you can only eat when your allowed, and you just have mad amounts of fun. Is there really any difference when obtaining alcohol. Dude this one time my friend dared me to eat an entire chocolate bunny.
Bam, alcohol poisoning.
Stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

Don’t you hate it when words mean the same thing? For example: meat and meet, piece and peace, and so on. Imagine someone who is just learning English and overhears a conversation
“Have you ever held a microscope up to an ant and just watch them burn?”
They would think you meant aunt as the family member and be confused.
“Yeah I’m a single man and I’m really looking for some heroine to enter my life”

Man do you ever notice that technology is starting to be more and more personified. I swear to God that we buy things to comfort our devices even though its way too expensive and we know it. I was walking down the street with my friend, and I saw that his Ipod had this fancy little black leather case around it. Oh come on really? I asked why because you’re never going to drop those things. He said that its going to get scratched and bruised and blah blah. Godamn rich kids, my Ipod will be the tough one with scratch scars. My other friend owns a Macbook and it never reads discs anymore, and once he puts the disc in, it needs to take a number of pills to finally eject. When I asked what the fuck was wrong with it he looked at it to make sure it wasn’t listening and whispered to me that it had ejectile dysfunction. I took pity that it couldn't enjoy an essential component of life, so I pretended not to judge it for not knowing how to read. Godamn parents these days. Do they even care?

I think everyone has that one friend who just started going to the gym to work out and then thier personality just completely changes. You’ll know when they start caring about their protein or calcium intake. I went into my friend’s house and you couldn't drink a thing without it being completely pumped with some weird kind of steroid. Man this one time I was about to drink soy milk and my friend practically dove from across the room to slap it out of my hand. I slowly looked up, without changing my facial expression. He began to regain his breath and he said “Don’t……that….has….estrogen..” And then later whenever your talking about another guy he will always subtly ask you questions to find out if he could beat him up.
Me: So my good friend Jack was telling me the other day…-
Him: How much does he weigh?
Me: Uhhh I don’t know…A bit less than me? Anyway he was telling me that-
Him: Is he taller than me?
Me: A bit
Him: I bet I can bench more
Me: Well then….I gotta go now… I have to uhhh think about photosynthesis.

I'm an Italian person, both of my great grandparents are from Italy. People have a very generic stereotype about us. They think that we always eat pasta around a dinner table with white wine and the godfather standing at the head of the table and the entire family always eats together. This is so false, nobody drinks white wine. But seriously my family is not very Italian, our male names include: Marian, Pascal, Keeanu, and Hugh. Not the strong masculine names you want to hear. However, I know there is some Italian in me. I went into my clothing dresser and I blindly was reaching for a shirt and I picked up a France soccer jersey that I got as a gift and it nearly burnt all the skin off my fingertips just touching it.

I only know one line of Italian. "Elcalo, a troppa tunity solde". This means, "Its expensive, it costs a lot of money". I learned this phrase years ago and I've somehow managed to remember it this whole time. You see the thing about Italian is that everything sounds romantic. So on birthday cards I'll write "Happy Birthday Veronica! Have a great day! Elcalo a troppa tunity solde!" And they will just assume its something poetically beautiful when really it kind of sounds like I'm calling them a prostitute or something. When they ask what it means I'm just like "Uhhhhh. Its expe-......I'm learning all about my life just by looking through your eyes!"

Once in a while I play guitar. Its a great instrument. I've owned it for 6 years. But my skill level is probably at a year and a half at best, but of course you don't tell anyone that! If someone asks what I like to do I'm like..."Yeah I play guitar. Its been 6 years, you know, whatever." Perfect. But anyways, once I had bought a Ultimate Guitar Magazine and it included a guitar lesson video and it included the tabs for the video inside! So I eagerly tried to learn the hardest song on my own then eventually started watching the video. Now the video was ridiculous, the musicians simply played there insanely fast songs a sliver slower. This was tolerable except that the fact that the musicians were not playing the godamn notes that were listed in the magazine! I guess I can play the song but never tell anyone to look it up so they might hear the way its actually supposed to sound.

I don't understand why in movies cops take so long to trace phone calls. You'll see a bad guy on the line and they'll hang up and everyone in the room will be like "OH Godammit! If we only had a few more seconds!" Are you kidding me? If you call 911 and hang up they will call you right back. Now how long is that call? 2 seconds and its automatically traced? Hell I can just use star 69, I guess I'm terrorist free. I really want to be a cop and when a terrorist hangs up I want to just be like "Well, I would've had it if you hadn't of screwed it up for everyone. Well I guess there is only one thing to do. Send the helicopter to everywhere that isn't this building!"

Thanks guys you've been great!

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:57 pm

im not going to read it. stand up is horrible in writing
instead, i shall offer some advice

make a youtube video of you acting it out. i will write page refresher code so you get 10,000 views. i think that is a much better venue to do stnadup. srsly, writing would not do your great brand of funny justice

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:59 pm

Webcam stand up with no audience laughing will be bad lol

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 4:02 pm

no....it will be funny. the worst part of standup is the MONKEYS DRINKING KOOLAID in the back. laugh tracks are horrendous. people laughing is stupid. i think comedy shines best one its own. just think, movies have funny lines and you laugh....im not the only one that thinks this as well

your humor will stand by itself. you dont need people. trust me on this one.

but the hardest part.....selling it. you cant just say the lines. you have to sell it. hope it helps

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 7:05 pm

I might try it, could be fun

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:42 pm

Laugh track ala pre-2000 sitcoms
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:16 pm

just get the wilhelm scream dubbed over

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdbYsoEasio

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:01 pm

Anyone want to read it?

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:02 pm

i shall.
i read the first paragraph
ill do it right now

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:08 pm

French jersey and the traced 911 calls were your best.
the thought process is a little sporadic. i mean, its probably cuse it is type. i think you have quick jokes, but you dont know if you want to rant, or tell stories. both are popular comedic things, but i think you should pick one. rants are good if you can pull it off.

i like that u reference your life (after all, what else would you talk about)

they say comedy is all practice. just practice byd, when you get good, ill come buy a drink at the bar you are preforming and and laugh my ass off

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 5:15 pm

Thanks man. I wrote this script from 4-6am one day hahah
Maybe I will practice, I felt so happy doing it

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 21, 2010 6:26 pm

follow your passion

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:36 am

I read it haha should be studying but whatever...

pretty good stuff, some of it reminds me of something Seinfeld would say (the calls thing).

Agreed though, alot of comedy is THE WAY you say it. Some comedians on TV are not really telling funny jokes, but the way they use their body, the mic, their facial expressions, their voice level, really makes their skit. They all kind of have signatures that make them stand out.

It looks like a terrifying job though, they are seriously brave souls. You have to be SO confident. The good ones I have seen at Yuk Yuks can talk to the crowd and get them involved, and think of jokes on thr spot. They can ever handle hecklers with grace (never go down the Kramer route...)

Seriously though, there is so much good material out there, waiting to be made into jokes. I think its good to have a variety as some comedians ONLY talk about how fat they are, how black they are, how Indian they are, how disabled they are (no joke).

Mixed salad is the way to go. If it does not pan into anything, whatever, you had fun
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:41 am

Sara, favourite part?
Yup completely inspired by Seinfeld

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:53 pm

It was really good. It's got some real potential but like sara said, it's more about the way you do it than the actual joke so I'd like to see you actually doing it. Do you ever actually do stand up? Like at an open mike night at a comedy club or something?

And that joke about learning you trying to learn a song from a guitar magazine, was that the Trivium thing you told me about? LOL
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:55 pm

sarainadream wrote:
You have to be SO confident.
or blitzed.
comedians usually live tough lives.

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Dark94Flame wrote:
Blink 182?
Byd, this is how it starts, you know. One day it's "I like Blink 182", the next it's "I think I like men".
Master Cthulhu wrote:
Where Bathory was an iron broadsword, this band is a big plastic one with "viking!" written on it in sparkly purple magic marker.
sarainadream wrote:
No fucking worries I guess you cunts, just wanted to bloody well plant the careful seed in your maggot infested brains.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:15 pm

Dark94Flame wrote:
It was really good. It's got some real potential but like sara said, it's more about the way you do it than the actual joke so I'd like to see you actually doing it. Do you ever actually do stand up? Like at an open mike night at a comedy club or something?

And that joke about learning you trying to learn a song from a guitar magazine, was that the Trivium thing you told me about? LOL
Yes lol. You inspired me. Nope never gone to a club. I'd love to but I think I'd shiiiit myself

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Tue Mar 23, 2010 12:25 am

I liked the word meanings and call tracing the best, but seriously they all have potential and yes, you should perform them. We also have two people technically named Christmas in our family. Zio Natalle and Noelle. Tres weird.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Tue Mar 23, 2010 3:10 am

Too personal to talk about
I just just be like
Whats the deal with my sisters social security number? I mean look at the pattern!

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Tue Mar 23, 2010 5:46 pm

I shall right more soon

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Wed Mar 24, 2010 6:41 pm

breakyoudown wrote:
Dark94Flame wrote:
It was really good. It's got some real potential but like sara said, it's more about the way you do it than the actual joke so I'd like to see you actually doing it. Do you ever actually do stand up? Like at an open mike night at a comedy club or something?

And that joke about learning you trying to learn a song from a guitar magazine, was that the Trivium thing you told me about? LOL
Yes lol. You inspired me. Nope never gone to a club. I'd love to but I think I'd shiiiit myself
I feel so special... Very Happy

But seriously, man, don't let nerves hold you back. I've got a friend who plays guitar and sings in front of crowds of people quite regularly. He's always absoloutely shitting himself beforehand but he says when he goes up there, the nerves just disappear as soon as he starts playing.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:16 am

breakyoudown wrote:
Too personal to talk about
I just just be like
Whats the deal with my sisters social security number? I mean look at the pattern!

Haha. Remember my student id picture? The one where I am looking up? HAHA
I got my new drivers permit today...
with a new picture...


GUESS how I look?

its not AS bad but you would laugh
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:49 am

Are you looking skyward?

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:39 am

Ceiling eyes Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:45 am

I started working on the next script. I definitely need to take my time like I did with this one

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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:30 pm

Look forward to seeing it. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:29 pm

i am thoroughly impressed with these jokes, italian ones my obvious fave, i cried laughing at it, and I can for sure picture you saying these, which makes them even funnier!

I <3 Dave's jokes!
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:33 pm

I vote for a webcam, it's not the same if read.

Your tone helps with the messages and gestures.
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PostSubject: Re: I wrote some stand up comedy   Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:11 pm

Yes
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I wrote some stand up comedy
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