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 Divina Enema- At the Conclave

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Master Cthulhu
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PostSubject: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:47 am

I'm going to start this review by saying that I have not listened to the album in it's entirety in one sitting. I haven't payed extremely close attention to the details, and I don't think anyone with a sane mental conscience would do so. In fact, psychiatrists probably teamed up to make this album so they can raise their paycheck. This is the worst shit I've heard in my life, and the only reason I'm reviewing it is to warn people of it. That, or they can listen to it for a lot of laughs.

Seriously, this stuff is hilariously bad. Download it if you're having a bad day, this will make you feel better about yourself, even if your feeling regrets about purposely setting your own house on fire. Fuck water boarding, this is true torture, because it really is pretty sad if you consider the poor vocalist who's nuts fell off.

On to the musical review. The problem that sticks out the most are the vocals. I can't even find the words to describe how awful the falsettos are. Think of the worst high-pitched noise you can, like metal scraping against...metal. Then think about a vocalist who surpasses even the spectacular spectrum of Earth's natural annoyances. You'd be close. He uses more than the aforementioned "falsetto." He uses a moody crooning voice that sounds not only out of place, but honestly like Joseph Stalin trying to strangle a child, with the child being those falsettos. Seriously, this is a guy who's got his balls stuck in a vice grip or something.

The second problem is songwriting. This has no musical direction whatsoever. Now, Divina Enema aren't bad in the bedroom black metal way, in which the guitars are picked with pennies because someone couldn't get a ride to the local music store. No, they can play their instruments fine. It's just that the songwriting is so terrible. Music is a series of controlled pitches. This is not music. Everything is all over the place and sounds like they wrote the songs while recording them. The fact that they can play their instruments rather well and create this pile of horseshit mixed with pig vomit makes it all the more depressing/hilarious.

The other main problem is the production. Whoever mixed this album deserves to be forced to listen to it. All the sudden the guitars will go quiet and an extremely loud obviously synthed flute part will come in and destroy what is left of your ears (not much considering the vocals). Fuck Suffocation, this is brutality in it's most brutal form. Most people think that "chug chug chug" is brutal, but think about this:

"chug waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh chug piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" on top of "uuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" on top of "ooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucchachachacha oooooooooooouuuu"

You get the point. The mix is atrocious, and so is this album. Do not spend a penny on this. Don't even take this if it's given to you. This is only to be listened to for it's comedic value.

I'm not even including a download link, and you can thank me later.
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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:50 am

I honestly wanna listen to this now, lol.
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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:52 am

Here is a song on their second album, which is just as bad, but not as spontaneously funny:



rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:59 am

It's so fucking weird it's bad.
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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 1:01 am

It's too bad he doesn't use the falsettos on that album a lot. I miss them and their ear-splitting awesomeness.
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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 2:20 am

That is the best album review I have ever read! + fucking rep, that song is horrible!

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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 4:15 am

That was absolutely terrible

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PostSubject: Re: Divina Enema- At the Conclave   Sun Apr 04, 2010 5:05 am

it was so awe inquiringly bad
when i have a shit day, i will link to this. this made me feel better.

they should market this as anti-depressant

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