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 ryder's amateur poetry

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fazango
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PostSubject: ryder's amateur poetry   Mon May 13, 2013 11:33 pm

I'll just start with one of these and make sure you guys don't think it's horrendous first haha

---

You canít stay here
It would only feed into your fear
Make your ego disappear with
A relapse premiere
Instead grab the wheel
try to steer
away from shine
Into my mind
subliminally laced with tears
As I stay and domineer
You explore my psyche
with lack of ingenuity
stigmatic ambiguity
incessantly iniquitous 
depressingly carnivorous
eternally atrocious
Relentlessly infatuated
With what your mind activated
Itís a race to the finish line
Better hurry, first placeís mine
Now you slowly fall behind
Because your ideals shined
true colors and now youíre all but blind
Now youíve come for help to find
What was inside the whole time
Hidden in my lyrics, concealed in my rhyme
Characterized by pretentiousness
And symbolized by grime
Itís time to live of your own bliss
Unfortunately
Itís closing time

--

this actually goes along with a beat on youtube. i'd embed it but it won't let me plug external links since i'm so new of a member!
you can look it up yourself if you're actually interested, it's called "Can't Stay Here" and it's by the channel "SpenceMillsMentals"
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Tue May 14, 2013 12:29 am

I think your writing skills are at a very high level man. As a point of critique I think your metaphors are very generic and hurt your poem. Specifically I think the metaphor of you being behind the steering wheel or running a race is overdone.

That being said, you did a good job and a lot of your rhymes worked very well, especially the conclusion which is the most important moment for me at least.

Would like to read more of your work my fellow poetic gentleman

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Tue May 14, 2013 4:28 am

Thanks for the input, I've never really shown these to anyone so I was in the dark on what was good and what was not.
Now that I think about it, I really do agree that the metaphors are generic, and thus weak. I'll keep that in mind when writing!

I've been writing short stories and the like for a while, but I really think poetry is an invaluable form of literature. In one line you can paint one mental image, and in another you can distort it completely (constructively adding to the experience) or add on to it in a whole new way. It can be so volatile (in a good way), and can really get the mind going.
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Tue May 14, 2013 10:32 am

Tons of props for sharing it man

I really enjoy Hamlet and Macbeth although I will admit my memory of Macbeth is fading. Part of the reason that I find these stories to be so involving is because of how poetic every character expresses themselves. They manage to use so many words to describe usually a pretty basic emotion and I think it's just incredible while pretty much all of my colleagues criticized it for being flowery. Sure in the real world you want to say as much as you can with as little words as possible to remove filler. But poetry and stories are art and shouldn't have a character limit, I don't think it's a legitimate critique.

For example this entry is when Hamlet see's his father's ghost

Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou comest in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee: I'll call thee Hamlet,
King, father, royal Dane: O, answer me!
Let me not burst in ignorance; but tell
Why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death,
Have burst their cerements; why the sepulchre,
Wherein we saw thee quietly inurn'd,
Hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws,
To cast thee up again. What may this mean,
That thou, dead corse, again in complete steel
Revisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,
Making night hideous; and we fools of nature
So horridly to shake our disposition
With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?
Say, why is this? wherefore? what should we do?

You can summarize that this entire entry with:
Hamlet saying "Is this really happening? How could my dad be here when I saw his dead body; what does he want?"

Beatiful style

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Tue May 14, 2013 9:30 pm

I made this as an elaborate parody of your poem. The cat is you gripping the steering wheel that will lead you to the paradise of sober objectivity. For Satan's sake, get a new avatar lol.

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Wed May 15, 2013 4:33 pm

definitely elaborate...LOL

and what's wrong with ledger ):
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Wed May 15, 2013 6:58 pm

I thought Batman Begins was the best movie out of the three if I may be so bold

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Wed May 15, 2013 7:47 pm

It was really good, and the story towers over the other ones. I just liked the premise of TDK more...I love the Joker. And I loved Heath Ledger so yeah.

But TDKR was...ugh. So many plot holes.

How did all the police officers stay clean shaven after months underground?
Did Bane's henchmen dig down into the Pit with coaxial and power cables to supply Bruce with television?
At the end, how did NO ONE recognise the extremely famous and apparently dead American billionaire sitting in a cafe in Italy. That's like sitting next to Steve Jobs and just not minding him.

-_- /rant
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Wed May 15, 2013 7:51 pm

Heath Ledger is a really sad story, dying at the peak of his career.

The saddest part is that he died alone, and not with his party animal friends.
Just goes to show that being rich and famous can be lonely and when mixed with drugs bad things happen

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Wed May 15, 2013 11:04 pm

fazango wrote:
definitely elaborate...LOL

and what's wrong with ledger ):
shit man, i forgot the rainbow and the birdies. *sigh* life is pain
i agree man lots o plot holes. like how in HELL did Batman get back from that prison so fast? Yeah I get that youre batman, but youre still stranded in some fucking dessert without a cellphone or anything.
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Thu May 16, 2013 4:55 pm

breakyoudown wrote:

Just goes to show that being rich and famous can be lonely and when mixed with drugs bad things happen

The weirdest part is, look at what he OD'd on:

Quote :
"Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine."

The first two I guess I would understand, you might need both if you're a drug addict. But the next three are all the same type of drug, and the last one is like Benadryl, an antihistamine (which is what middle schoolers try to get high with, not 30 year old drug addicts).

It is kind of fishy that he loaded up on so many things.
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Thu May 16, 2013 6:27 pm

One of my acquaintances in high school used a lot of cocaine and oxycotton. He went to rehab and just as he finished it and went back home he had a heart attack in his sleep and died

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Fri May 17, 2013 10:12 am

And you didn't find that the least bit fishy?
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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Fri May 17, 2013 1:14 pm

Not really poor guy was depressed and took heavy drugs that was hard on his body and it took its toll

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PostSubject: Re: ryder's amateur poetry   Sat May 18, 2013 12:29 am

): well that's unfortunate.

addiction is a disease in the same vein as things like depression and schizophrenia.

you are fully responsible for the mayhem you cause while afflicted by it, but people think it's just because they're stupid and looking for rebellious fun. i mean a lot of them are, but the majority of them just really don't know where else to find joy, even if it is fleeting and short-lived ):
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